…Even if I get a B on my essay? Or a B in the whole class? Or worse… a B-?! Or the unthinkable… a C?!?!
To put it bluntly: This week has not been good. Not good at all. Between anxiety attacks that are so frequent they have become one big fog of stress that I now consider my natural state, I have been trying to finish two essays that are proving to be the hardest of my university career thus far. I’m honestly not too sure why. I guess I just feel very uninspired by the material and am having one hell of a hard time putting together any cohesive thoughts whatsoever, or even creating a solid argument. That’s right: I have written two essays that don’t… really… have a point? (Yet here I am looking for attention instead of smartening up and trying to make sense of my “essays,” if you could even call them that at this point).
So. I don’t really know where I want to go with this. I guess my brain just isn’t working at all in any capacity? I thought writing out my thoughts and stepping away from my soul-crushing essays would inspire me but now I’m not so sure. Regardless, both essays are due tomorrow, and while one is essentially done (though I’m not proud of it), the other is the biggest mumble jumble mess of crap I have ever, EVER written. IN MY LIFE!!!
Since starting university, I’ve always put a lot of effort into my schoolwork, even when I didn’t totally care about my grades, just because I’m wired in a (very annoying) way that makes me incapable of relaxing until I know I’ve been productive and have done my best work. That could seem like a good thing, but it’s NOT! Especially when you’re an anxious little human who can’t sleep, eat, or breathe when stressed out! (wish I was exaggerating) I only really started to obsess over my grades when an academic advisor pointed out that I only had one B on my transcript. I am NOT trying to toot my own horn in saying that. Not at all. Instead, this observation made me freak the flamingo out. I was left with only one option: it would now have to be my life goal for that lonesome B to remain a lonesome B for all of eternity or else I would be a waste of human life with absolutely no value on this earth. Obviously.
So you can imagine how I felt the other day when I got the devastating news that a paper that I worked very hard on was worth a measly B in my professor’s eyes. Not even a B+, although my jerk of a professor did decide to write “high B” above my “74.5” (jerkwad couldn’t even give me that extra POINT FIVE PERCENT) as if that was of any consolation. As if to rub it in my face that it was on the “high end” of a B, but certainly not worthy of that little “+” that makes it just a little bit better. Alas, I felt defeated, sad, worthless, and in the wise words of Katy Perry, like a plastic bag drifting through the wind.
I don’t want to sound like I think I’m a brainiac, because that is so far from the truth, but ever since I started getting good grades it became like an addiction of sorts? (Wow my parents are lucky that my only addiction is getting good grades, why don’t they love me more?) Perhaps addiction isn’t the right word, but I place waaaay too much of my self worth on those little letter grades on my transcript. I mean, yes, I am a full-time student so my number one priority should be doing well in school. But on the other hand, it is not healthy to feel my worth is determined a number on a page! And I know that it’s not healthy, and yet I’m convinced that if I ever get another B I will never be successful and I will never get into a post-degree Education program if I do choose to go that route one day (even though I’m 90% sure I don’t want to be a teacher, this thought still provides me with plenty of stress because I want to keep my options open… and also have I mentioned I am very irrational?)
An interesting thing to note is how I would say the exact opposite when I am doing well in school. I got an A+ on a paper?? Well goodness me, my grades most definitely define me and I want my GPA inscribed on my tombstone! Got a B on a paper?? Oh heck, I’m ok, I’m ok… school isn’t all that matters… surely this won’t matter in the grand scheme of my life! (That is what I tell myself when I get an undesirable grade, but I can only convince myself of that for so long before I go back to feeling my self worth has significantly decreased and I will never be a successful human.)
I can’t believe I just wasted an hour writing this when I have two essays due tomorrow that my WHOLE LIFE depends on!!! I really should be getting back to that… But at this rate I just want to feel inner peace again (can’t remember what it feels like to not have the weight of an elephant sitting on my chest 24/7) so I may just have to accept that my mumble jumble mess of an essay might not be my greatest achievement of all time and that that is ok, right?? (Plz tell me it’s ok. Desperate for love and reassurance in this difficult time.) Wait, but even if I got like… a C?? Would that still be ok? Would I still be a worthy human with any chance at success?? These are questions I need answered. Now I’m sure any wise adults reading this are laughing at me, thinking they can’t even remember a single grade they got in university because that’s how irrelevant it is in the big picture. BUT this is my life right now and it is very scary, ok?
As always, thank you for tuning in! For now, let us all take care of our mental health by taking Ashwangandha daily and practicing meditative breathing techniques!
Or maybe it’s time someone tosses me a damn Xanax.
(It’s really ok, I’ll really be ok, everything will be fine and this too shall pass!)
Lots of love, my people!!!