A Few Minutes Inside My Brain

This week I have been thinking a lot about how to make the most of each 24 hour fragment of my life, or in other words, how to really seize the heckin’ day! As you may know if you read last week’s post, I found myself in a bit of a slump having two extra days off each week. Rather than feeling liberated like I thought I would, I felt unmotivated and unproductive. I first off want to say that while I so appreciate the encouraging messages I received after that post, I want you all to know that I am very much okay and just have a sarcastic and pessimistic way of writing that leads people to be borderline concerned for my sanity. But worry not, my friends! I am just fine and apparently have a problematic tendency to express myself in a way that makes it seem like I’m about to have a psychotic break. You can all rest assured that I am just a dramatic blogging millennial using the Internet to share all my deepest thoughts with the world instead of doing it the old-fashioned way and using a more private outlet like a journal. So while I am just a teensy weensy bit of an anxious worry wart, I promise everything is fine. I mean, keep on sending those uber kind and uplifting messages if you feel so inclined, but I’m not going to fling myself off a bridge if you don’t. Just so you know. My last post was also uncomfortably vulnerable and I sort of don’t know why I shared that with all, like, 17 of you (just trying to keep it real with my fanz), but alas, I posted it for the world to see. Based on the responses I received, it seems many of my fellow almost-adults are in a similar boat and it’s always nice to know you’re not alone in your existential crises. I mean, I might be alone in that I have one about three times a day on a good day, but for the most part it’s totally normal… (JK guys, really I am great and proud to say that I rarely have more than one crisis a day!)

Now that you all know I am as mentally stable as any 20-something approaching graduation can be, we can get on with the purpose of today’s post. Rather than wallowing in the feeling of purposelessness that accompanies the excessive freedom I’ve acquired this semester, I’ve decided to make my days really count. It has been hard for me to focus completely on schoolwork on my days off because I don’t have any pressing assignments at the moment. I also seem to be putting a lot less pressure on myself this semester, which is quite unlike me, but after three and a half years of being unhealthily concerned with my grades, it is kind of refreshing to just chill out for a minute. I think I’m a little less worried about maintaining a certain GPA because I’m leaning away from the prospect of being a teacher. Well, I don’t know. Haven’t you heard I don’t know anything about my future? I haven’t entirely ruled it out and teaching high school is still an option, but what I’ve learned from tutoring 12-year-olds once a week is that being around kids drains me more than it fulfills me. High school would obviously be a little different and I think I would enjoy it more if I could teach older students about things I actually care about like spelling and grammar, because those are the two most important things in the whole wide world and we simply cannot have any more high school graduates that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Start ’em young, people, start ’em young! You best believe my children will be practicing this as soon as they can pick up a pencil.

So that’s where I’m at right now in terms of potential career paths. In other news, as a result of my slightly “chill” semester, I think I might have time to read for pleasure?! Since I’m usually juggling an overwhelming amount of readings during the school year, there is little to no time to sit down with a book of my choosing and stimulate my brain in a way that is genuinely enjoyable. And even if I did have time, the last thing I would want to do after finishing 100 pages of reading is read some more. This semester, however, I’m only in one literature class, so I might just be able to get away with some reading for FUN. I think I’m going to start dedicating a solid hour on Tuesdays and Fridays (my bittersweet days off) to read the novels I ordered over Christmas and barely touched (because I’m the worst). Who am I kidding. I’m probably not going to do that. It’s a good thought, though, and I’ll definitely add it to my ever-growing list of productive ways to change my life that I consistently fail to follow through with.

Speaking of lists, have I mentioned how passionate I am about them? I think they are one of the many spices of life. I have an ongoing list for just about anything you could think of. The notes app on my phone is just one big collection of to do lists, grocery lists, things I want to buy lists (bad), books I want to read lists (good), songs I want to download lists (neutral), movies I want to watch lists, gift idea lists, what I am going to do with my life lists, places I want to travel to lists, and, of course, roughly six different baby name lists (I don’t know how I will ever be at a place in life where I can confidently decide on one good name because my taste changes drastically every other day. One day I want to name my future children something edgy and fun and the next I refuse to even consider using a name that doesn’t sound nice in French. I’m not sure if any of you have ever contemplated this, but cool and edgy names don’t usually sound very good in a romantic language. And obviously as an English-speaking Canadian I am very concerned with how my children’s names will sound when spoken in a different language. Isn’t everyone? Why are we talking about this? We’ve been inside these brackets for so long that I don’t really know how to segue out of it. It feels like we’ve reached the point of no return. OK, moving on.) Whew, welcome back! What was the point of this paragraph that doesn’t at all relate to what this blog post was supposed to be about? Ah, yes: lists. I love them! Did I make that clear??

I think anyone who is semi-organized or cares just a little bit about remembering important things is quite familiar with the concept of list-making. I’d say it’s a pretty standard part of everyday life for those of us who are trying to be even remotely productive with this human existence on planet Earth that we’ve somehow been flung into against our will. Sorry, this is not an existential post. I don’t know why I can’t keep my thoughts in line. Am I doing the whole “stream of consciousness” thing right now? Could I be the next J.D. Salinger? I’ll have you all know that I read The Catcher in the Rye when I was in grade 8 because I wanted to be cultured and well-read and I think I hated every minute of it but was determined to finish it so I could tell people that I read The Catcher in the Rye. That’s really truly the only reason I read it. And because my friend was reading it, probably for that very same reason, and I wasn’t about to let her be smarter or more cultured than me. The point is that I read it, and at a rather young age at that (some may go as far as to say I was a child prodigy), so maybe I have always been destined to be an English major. All because I read The Catcher in the Rye. That is one of the requirements to get into English, you know: Must graduate high school with a 70% average or something easily achievable like that, and absolutely must have read The Catcher in the Rye, no exceptions. Why do you think I’m so smart?

I’m having so much fun writing out all my thoughts but now that’s literally all this blog post has become and I don’t think anyone is having fun anymore except me. I don’t really remember what I’m supposed to be talking about and this is getting long so my mother has probably stopped reading by now, and if my mother is throwing in the towel then most of my other readers probably ducked out a couple paragraphs ago. If you’re still here, thank you! I guess I’ll conclude on a positive note for once by really reinforcing the fact that I am happy (does it make it seem like I’m not actually happy when I overstate it like this? I promise I’m not lying.) In all fairness, I am extra happy today because the sun is shining and it’s not raining so tomorrow I might be crying on the floor, depending on the weather. I’m only joking! Well, it is true that my mood is indeed quite weather dependent and that is the only reason I hate being a Canadian. Why can’t I be part of a peaceful country with universal healthcare and live somewhere with eternal sunshine and warmth? Canada is the epitome of “you can’t have it all,” but I think I’ll take the healthcare and all that other good stuff we have up here over a warm beach town in our neighbouring country that is quite literally falling apart right now!

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the conclusion paragraph! Hallelujah, it’s almost over! Should I even post this or will everyone’s brains hurt after stumbling through this scattered collection of thoughts? Well, I hope you enjoyed being inside my brain for a little. Wasn’t that kind of stressful?! Maybe now you feel grateful for your peaceful internal monologue after experiencing what I deal with on a daily basis. You’re welcome! But really, does everyone’s brain constantly go off on tangents sparked by a completely unrelated thought? Maybe I’m going to write a whole novel by sitting down and typing out every little thing that comes to mind in the hopes that it becomes some grand literary masterpiece that probably won’t get the recognition it deserves in my lifetime but one day people will look back and think, ‘wow, what an incredible work of literature. Too bad she’s dead now and can’t make any money off of it! Let’s study it in every high school literature course for the next century.’ That seems to happen more often than it should. These poor authors and poets never getting the praise they deserve in their lifetime, but as soon as they’re off the face of the earth OH MY WORD, how did we not realize how fantastic this book is?! I hope there’s an afterlife solely for the sake of those dead writers so they can see how much their work is appreciated after they leave this place. Oh my heavens, I don’t know why this isn’t over yet. Thank you for sticking through this one with me. Was that awful? I’m sorry.

Happy Saturday, everyone! May your weekends be full of sunshine and happiness and maybe even book reading if you are strong-minded and disciplined, and I hope you enjoy your quiet and peaceful minds if you are fortunate enough to have one.

~Tal